Every parent wants their kids to become less and less dependent on them in decision-making as they grow up and eventually leave their home as adults.
One way to help them develop the skills they are going to need as adults are by allowing them to make more age-appropriate choices and experience the consequences of those choices.
Learning to be a good decision-maker is a skill that is learned, and kids will make mistakes along the way.
When children make mistakes, parents are tempted to intervene to prevent mistakes or rescue their kids from consequences, because we hate to see them suffer or struggle.
How many times do we rush to take our kid’s projects to them at school when they forgot them at home or quickly help them finish their homework in the morning when they forgot to do it despite you reminding them? All because we don’t want them to face the consequences.
I know this is hard for us as parents. We want to fix things for them. Perhaps we fear people’s judgement.
*What we do not realize is that allowing children to face the consequences of their actions is a great way to teach valuable life skills.*
Ask yourself this question “what will be more painful — allowing them to make mistakes under your roof or postponing the learning opportunity until later in life when the stakes are much higher?”
A parent shared how she had seen her 11years old daughter grew in responsibility and maturity because she was determined not to rescue her from consequences. For instance, her daughter called one afternoon from school asking for her to bring the project work she forgot at home. “If I don’t work on it in school today, I will be running late for my deadline”, she said. Mom politely said I am sorry dear, I won’t be able to bring it. The daughter was not happy off-course.
Interestingly, when she returned from school that day, she rushed to get the project from her room and put it near her school bag. After dinner, without any reminder, she put the project and bag near the door so she doesn’t forget. She learned a valuable lesson to be more responsible for herself.
Dr. Tim Elmore said, it is the struggle to break out of the cocoon that gives butterflies the strength to fly. And as parents, we’ve realized by now our life experiences—both good and bad—strengthened and prepared us for the life we’re living.
When you allow your kids to experience the consequences of their mistakes, you prepare them to be capable adults later in life. Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
There is no doubt that this is a difficult and challenging time for many of us. COVID-19 has altered our plans and schedules, schools are closed, non-essential businesses are closed, and many people are at home. This could be very challenging especially for parents with school-aged kids. Now that the schools are closed, you have the kids with you 24-7. As many of us are thinking, this will be a good time to accomplish many things we have put on the back burner. Perhaps, you are like some who still must work from home while having the kids around. One of the greatest challenges in this situation is managing distractions from the children.
Some days ago, I saw on the news a father working from home with his children jumping on his shoulder while he was trying to make a call. This could be difficult for people to navigate. I won’t blame the children. They feel elated seeing their parents around. And incessant distractions could drive the parents up a wall.
The question is, how do we manage the situation we are in and avoid distractions from the kids such that we are able to get meaningful work done and kids are able to make productive use of their time? Here are 5 tips you can use to avoid unnecessary distractions:
Tip #1: Have a Discussion withthe Kids
Having discussion creates an avenue for age-appropriate explanations of the situation of things. In this case, the COVID-19 situation and why everyone has to be at home. You also want to set expectations of what is expected of the children and parents. Explain why they can’t play all they and why you also have to get some work done and how setting a routine or agenda will be beneficial to them. This is most effective for children aged 5 and above. This is not effective for children 4years and below. They do not understand cause and effects due to the level of their brain development. Other strategies work for them.
Tip #2: Develop a Schedule/Routine
There is no better time to develop a routine chart than now. Schools are closed for students’ safety and it is uncertain when they will be opened in some countries. The last thing you want is for your children to be accustomed to the lack of structure. Schools run on a structured schedule. It is good to balance work and play in your schedule. It is important for children to exert their energy for about 15mins following a 2-hour work. When developing a schedule, consider the age and attention span of the children. It is crucial to involve the children in setting up the routine. They feel empowered and motivated to follow the schedule if they are respectfully included in developing it. It is important to let the schedule be the boss. In other words, instead of nagging, ask, “What is next on your routine chart?”
Tip #3: Agree on What You Will Do and FollowThrough
Children being who they are will want to test boundaries and disobey the rules. It is helpful to let the children know what you will do if this happens. This should be discussed in a friendly atmosphere when you are establishing the schedule, way before any misbehaviour occurs. Always check that the children understand and agree. If this is done in a friendly atmosphere, children can have fun negotiating what the consequences will be. It could be something like, “If you fail to do your work at the right time, you will catch up with your break time” or “Only come to me if you really need help that cannot wait else, I will not respond to you until my break time” Some children might throw a fist when you follow through with your agreement, it is normal. Remain calm and empathize by saying “I am sorry you have to catch up with your break time, I have confidence you will make a better choice next time”, then keep quiet and let the tantrum fizzle out. Intervene only when the child is becoming destructive or harmful. After about 3 or 4 times of similar reactions, the child will learn that you mean what you said. When we follow through, we train our children to trust us and take us seriously.
Tip #4: Set a Special Connection Time with Each Child
Everyone needs attention. Scheduling a special time with each child is a great way to connect with children. It helps them feel special and loved. Let children know ahead of time that they will have a special mummy-and-me time. Children eagerly look forward to this time. If your child comes knocking for something not urgent, to let them know that you are trying to get something done right now. You might say “I am looking forward to our special time at 5 pm.” Spending between 10 to 30 minutes per child is a good starting point. If daily special time is not feasible, ensure it is regular. Please keep your phone away during this time and replace it with fun activities with the child. Special time is a great tool for decreasing misbehaviour and undue attention as children feel a sense of belonging and connection. This tool will require a tweak to use with teenagers.
Tip #5: limitYour Involvement in SiblingFight
African American woman communicating over cell phone while working at home and trying to silence her son who is screaming beside her.
A very common source of distraction for parents is sibling fights. Siblings get into fights habitually. If parents meddle in every single fight, I can guarantee you will barely get anything done. You cannot prevent every disagreement, but you can wisely choose when to intervene and when to disregard intentionally. Parents need to train themselves to let go, especially when the fight is non-violent. A good strategy here is to ignore and avoid blaming one child for another. I personally use this skill a lot. My 11-year old and 8-years old fight over anything – from who has the first turn on the TV to who showers first. They know I do not intervene at all, so this doesn’t even get to me. Over time I have seen then negotiate with each other and solve their own problems. Prepare children’s minds, encourage them to find solutions, and follow through your own resolve. Allowing children to figure out solutions for themselves helps them learn negotiations, problem-solving, and conflict resolution skills. These are very valuable life skills.
If you find this useful, drop us your comments and ask follow-up questions, if any.
Watch out for our future post for more detailed strategies.
Recently I was watching the news and one of the topics that kept reemerging was the rate of increased violence in school today.
According to Wikipedia, violence is defined as “the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, which either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, mal-development, or deprivation.”
Fighting, bullying, beating, engaging the use of a weapon, sexual assault, etc. are different forms of violence. Surprisingly, youth violence happens during school hours, on the way to and from school and within the communities. Violence impacts thousands of young people each day, and in turn, their families, schools, and communities.
Thousands of people experience youth violence every day. While the magnitude and types of youth violence vary across communities and demographic groups, youth violence negatively impacts youth in all communities—urban, suburban, rural, and tribal.
Youth violence is common. Nearly 1 in 5 high school students reported being bullied on school property in the last year, and about 1 in 7 were electronically bullied (texting, Instagram, Facebook, or other social media).
Youth violence kills and injures. Homicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for young people ages 10-24. Each day, about 14 young people are victims of homicide and about 1,300 are treated in emergency departments for nonfatal assault-related injuries.
Youth violence is costly. Youth homicides and nonfatal physical assault-related injuries result in more than $21 billion annually in combined medical and lost productivity costs alone, not including costs associated with the criminal justice system, psychological and social consequences for victims, perpetrators and their families, or costs incurred by communities.
POSSIBLE CAUSES OF VIOLENCE
Lack of Parental Care and Support
Previous experience of violence
Poor performance in school
Influence from peers
Addiction to drugs, alcohols and tobacco
PREVENTION
Should we fold our arms and do nothing about this ill plaguing our children in school today? Of course, the answer is so what then can we do to reduce or eradicate the rate of violence.
Parental Role: Parents should develop a healthy and cordial relationship with their children. A child who lacks care, encouragement, attention, support, trust and respect from parents is a discouraged child. A child who is constantly being abused or neglected at home or who lacks a sense of belonging has the tendency to exhibit any of the earlier mentioned forms of violence. Parents should spend on a daily basis quality time with their kids, also have a family meeting where values and issues are discussed and solutions provided (see the previous article on parenting styles). It is very imperative that parents know who their children are hanging out with and if possible get to talk to them to have a clue of their moral background and values to determine the influence they may have on their children. They are to model to their kids the kind of adults they want their child.
School’s Responsibility: the school should constantly educate the students on:
The danger of violence
How to develop a positive relationship, mental health, problem-solving skill, conflict management
Dealing with Depression
In addition, security cameras must be installed in all the hidden area within the facility and constantly monitoring the camera, for violence awareness, rapid intervention and to prevent future occurrences; encouraging students to speak out and to address immediately any reports of violence from students or teachers by finding the root cause and a lasting solutions
Community: I will advise the community/schools to constantly organize mentoring programs for youths. The aim of this program is to establish a one-one healthy relationship between a responsible and experienced adult and youth. The adult’s responsibility is to provide guidance, advice, encourage and model good behavior to the youth.
In addition, the community also engages the youth in activities that will help build their social, psychological and moral skills.
When we talk of parenting style, we mean the combination of strategies parents use to raise their children.
As there are no prerequisite parenting classes or certifications prior to becoming parents, the majority tend to adopt their own parents’ parenting styles. Your parenting style goes a long way to affect your children’s self-esteem, self-control, social competence, self-discipline, general well-being and success in life. Therefore, this is critical. Your actions and in-actions affect someone’s life and can have a long-term effect.
This subject has been studied by psychologists in the past. One of such early research was conducted by psychologist Diana Baumrind, who observed more than 100 preschool-age children using some research methods. She identified interesting dimensions of parenting including; disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturing ability, communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control. Based on these dimensions, she classified parents into three main categories: authoritarian, permissive and authoritative parenting styles. A fourth parenting style was suggested later by other researchers. Though in recent times, other terms have been coined to capture the parenting trends today.
We will focus on these three parenting styles in this article.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
Growing up, I saw great variations and some similarities in the way I was raised by my parents and how other families around us raised their kids. Several times my siblings and I wondered why we had limited freedom compared to other friends. Why does daddy have to be very strict? He was so strict that the neighbors know him as the no-nonsense man. Like many African parents, negotiation was almost impossible, punishment was common. I guess I picked some part of my parenting style from him. Though I rarely punish, I demand obedience without negotiations. When I realize the liabilities of this style, I began to adjust.
On the positive side, authoritarian parents have high expectations and are good at motivating the children to learn organizational skills, leadership skills, assertiveness, respect for law and order.
With these high demands come the tendency to tell the children what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. The children are expected to follow strict rules and harsh discipline. Non-compliance often attracts punishment. This is the “because I said so” parents. No explanations or reasons behind the rules are provided. These parents are control-seeking and obedience-oriented. Unfortunately, this dictatorial and domineering style of parenting often invites unhealthy pleasing, rebellion, aggression, and resistance from children, especially as they grow older. Some children will always rebel and test boundaries until they are punished. Others tend to become approval junkies and pleasers looking for love and affection in the wrong places. This affects children’s self-esteem in the long run.
Permissive parents provide a lot of leeways. “Permissive parents have a hard time setting limits with their children,” says Laura Markham, Ph.D., author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. They do not enforce rules and are quick to give in to their children’s demands to make them happy. They are loving and responsive to their children’s needs. These parents perceive themselves as friends and not a figure of authority to their kids. Children often take advantage of their parents’ leniency. They often throw tantrums or whine to get their demands – pushing their buttons. I remember using this emotional tyranny to get my mum’s attention. She is on the permissive side. The problem with this permissive parenting style is the tendency to raise children who are spoilt brats.
Permissive Parenting Style
According to research, children of permissive parents often rank low in happiness and self-regulation and tend to perform poorly in school. They lack self-discipline and internal motivation as adults. A woman in her 60s once told me, “if I had a chance to parent again, I will push my children harder and challenge them more”. The truth is, we don’t want to look back and wish we had parented differently. It is wise to make an informed decision now
Authoritative Parenting Style
This is a more democratic style of parenting. This approach does not include excessive control or permissiveness. Just like the authoritarian style, authoritative parents establish rules and set high expectations for their children but invites cooperation from them. This style employs a positive discipline method that is deeply respectful and not humiliating to children. It invites children to focus on the internal locus of control by being responsible for their own behaviors. Children are invited to be part of the decision making and this, in turn, develops their capability and problem-solving skills.
Authoritative parents provide explanations and reasons for the rules. Children who are raised with authoritative style don’t follow the rules because they fear punishment, but because their motivation comes from an internal locus of control.
Authoritative parents are firm and kind at the same time. They make connections with children and use non-punitive positive discipline strategies that help children develop valuable life skills such as self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving, leadership skill, self-regulation, and other skills that serve them throughout their lives.
The problem is many people don’t know the tools and strategies to use to develop these skills. There are numerous positive discipline tools for turning common parenting challenges into valuable life skills.
Join one of our workshops to learn how to be an authoritative parent using numerous positive discipline tools. Watch out for our workshops. I like to hear your comments, contributions, and question.
When it comes to technology and screens, we must be honest with ourselves. The screen has come to stay. Technology is changing the world in both positive and negative ways. This can be disturbing and confusing to parents who are not accustomed to this culture said Dr. Tim Elmore in his book Nurturing the Leader within your Child. Personally, I have decided to engage and learn the technology culture. I will not totally avoid it, neither will I totally submit to it. I would rather use it to communicate valuable life lessons to the younger generation through the lens of moderation.
In this article, you will find
Fearful statistics on children screen use and its effect
Screen use recommendations by the American Academy of Pediatrics
Benefits of reduced screen time
Apps that can be used to monitor screen time
Alternative to excessive screen use
Fearful statistics on children screen use and its effect
Excessive screen time for children has gained media attention recently. Report says, “teens and tweens spend a ‘mind-boggling’ 9 hours a day using media”. Experts and parents are concerned about the impact this is having on brain development for children and teenagers. The fact is ‘screens are addictive’. The inventors of smart technology exploited the vulnerability of human psychology. I read recently that there are hundreds of rehabilitation centers in China and Korea to help addicted teenagers – addiction to screens and devices, not hard drugs. Parents are concerned and often engage in power struggles with children over excessive screen and media use.
As a mother of two children (aged 10 and 7 years), not only am I concerned about the contents my children are exposed to, I am deeply worried about how long they spend on devices. I began to research and implement possible strategies to combat this challenge of our time. I believe in being intentional about the outcomes I desire for my children. It is my job to safeguard them and empower them for success in life. I wish I can say I am there yet but not at all. However, I have made some good progress. I am writing this to share my findings and tips on helping children limit screen time with minimal or no power struggles.
For children younger than 18 to 24 months avoid using digital media altogether. Promote healthy brain development activities like talking, playing, singing and reading together.
For children 2 to 5, limit screen time to one hour per day.
No matter the age, avoid using media as the only way to calm your child or as a babysitter.
Monitor your child’s media content and what apps are used or downloaded.
Avoid screens one hour before bedtime and keep TVs out of bedrooms.
Keep mealtimes screen-free (I am just learning this, smiles).
Set a good example as parents. Children need parental guidance and modeling.
According to research, children who perceive a sense of connectedness or community at school and/or home are more likely to be successful academically and less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, and violence as they grow. Young people who grow up in families that they perceive as both kind and firm are more likely to thrive.
It is exciting to know that Positive Discipline is one of the most effective parenting programs out there that help children develop a sense of belonging, significance, and connections. Positive Discipline principles are applicable to children from early childhood and serve them until adulthood.
There are five criteria for Positive Discipline. These are:
It is kind and firm at the same time. To be kind is to be warm-hearted, to display a friendly, generous, and considerate nature towards the child. When you are kind to children, they feel respected. Kindness should be balanced with firmness. When you are firm, you are resolute, unswerving and respectful to the needs of the situation. However, there are extremes that are not encouraged by the philosophy of positive discipline. When you are too kind, you are leaning towards permissiveness and when you are too firm, you are being authoritarian. Neither of these extremes is healthy for children. An example of a kind and firm statement is “I love you but the answer is no”
It helps children develop a sense of connection. Belonging and significance is the primary goal of every human being, including children. When children don’t feel a sense of connection, they tend to seek it in mistaken ways such as undue attention, misguided power, revenge or just giving up.
It works long-term. Positive discipline tools are effective and serve children in the future. Punishment only works short-term. These tools are neither permissive nor punitive
It teaches valuable social and life skills. If your goal is to teach your children problem solving, communication, critical thinking, listening skills, and many other skills that will serve them throughout their lives, then positive discipline parenting is the way to go.
Children develop a sense of their own capability and use their power in a constructive way so they can be contributing members of society.
There are numerous positive discipline tools designed to be empowering and encouraging based on the Adlerian principle of treating everyone with dignity and respect. Often times parents face a number of challenges with their children such as; not listening, back talk, homework hassle, bedtime hassle, fighting, temper tantrum, media addiction, defiance, etc. It is exciting to know that these challenges, can be used to help children develop the characteristics and life skills that will help them become happy, contributing members of society. In our workshops, we teach how to turn challenges into opportunities for teaching skills such as problem-solving, responsibility, and cooperation.
One of the proven and effective tools is Asking Vs Telling. When we as parents dish out instructions or communicate with our children; we are either asking or telling them to obey and carry out the instruction. For example, there is a difference between telling a child “Do your home now” from asking a child “What are your plans for doing your homework”. Telling creates a physiological tension in the body, and sends a message to the brain to resist, talkback, or disobey or obey from fear. Asking creates a physiological relaxation and sends a message to the brain to search for an answer, while the brain is searching, the child is learning to make decisions and be responsible for the outcome of the choices made.
In positive discipline, we begin with the end in mind. Our question is, what are the characteristics and values I hope to see in my children in the future? How do I help my children develop these skills? The good news is, it’s never too late to start on the journey of setting up our children for success now and in the future.
