According to research, children who perceive a sense of connectedness or community at school and/or home are more likely to be successful academically and less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, and violence as they grow. Young people who grow up in families that they perceive as both kind and firm are more likely to thrive. 

It is exciting to know that Positive Discipline is one of the most effective parenting programs out there that help children develop a sense of belonging, significance, and connections. Positive Discipline principles are applicable to children from early childhood and serve them until adulthood.

There are five criteria for Positive Discipline. These are:

1. It is kind and firm at the same time. To be kind is to be warm-hearted, to display a friendly, generous, and considerate nature towards the child. When you are kind to children, they feel respected. Kindness should be balanced with firmness. When you are firm, you are resolute, unswerving and respectful to the needs of the situation.  However, there are extremes that are not encouraged by the philosophy of positive discipline. When you are too kind, you are leaning towards permissiveness and when you are too firm, you are being authoritarian. Neither of these extremes is healthy for children. An example of a kind and firm statement is “I love you but the answer is no”
2. It helps children develop a sense of connection. Belonging and significance is the primary goal of every human being, including children. When children don’t feel a sense of connection, they tend to seek it in mistaken ways such as undue attention, misguided power, revenge or just giving up. 
3. It works long-term. Positive discipline tools are effective and serve children in the future. Punishment only works short-term. These tools are neither permissive nor punitive
4. It teaches valuable social and life skills. If your goal is to teach your children problem solving, communication, critical thinking, listening skills, and many other skills that will serve them throughout their lives, then positive discipline parenting is the way to go.
5. Children develop a sense of their own capability and use their power in a constructive way so they can be contributing members of society. 

There are numerous positive discipline tools designed to be empowering and encouraging based on the Adlerian principle of treating everyone with dignity and respect. Often times parents face a number of challenges with their children such as; not listening, back talk, homework hassle, bedtime hassle, fighting, temper tantrum, media addiction, defiance, etc. It is exciting to know that these challenges, can be used to help children develop the characteristics and life skills that will help them become happy, contributing members of society. In our workshops, we teach how to turn challenges into opportunities for teaching skills such as problem-solving, responsibility, and cooperation.

One of the proven and effective tools is Asking Vs Telling. When we as parents dish out instructions or communicate with our children; we are either asking or telling them to obey and carry out the instruction. For example, there is a difference between telling a child “Do your home now” from asking a child “What are your plans for doing your homework”. Telling creates a physiological tension in the body, and sends a message to the brain to resist, talkback, or disobey or obey from fear.  Asking creates a physiological relaxation and sends a message to the brain to search for an answer, while the brain is searching, the child is learning to make decisions and be responsible for the outcome of the choices made.

In positive discipline, we begin with the end in mind. Our question is, what are the characteristics and values I hope to see in my children in the future? How do I help my children develop these skills? The good news is, it’s never too late to start on the journey of setting up our children for success now and in the future.

Funmi Alagbe & Debbie Egbuonu.