What is your parenting style?

When we talk of parenting style, we mean the combination of strategies parents use to raise their children.

As there are no prerequisite parenting classes or certifications prior to becoming parents, the majority tend to adopt their own parents’ parenting styles. Your parenting style goes a long way to affect your children’s self-esteem, self-control, social competence, self-discipline, general well-being and success in life. Therefore, this is critical. Your actions and in-actions affect someone’s life and can have a long-term effect.

This subject has been studied by psychologists in the past. One of such early research was conducted by psychologist Diana Baumrind, who observed more than 100 preschool-age children using some research methods. She identified interesting dimensions of parenting including; disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturing ability, communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control. Based on these dimensions, she classified parents into three main categories: authoritarian, permissive and authoritative parenting styles. A fourth parenting style was suggested later by other researchers. Though in recent times, other terms have been coined to capture the parenting trends today.

We will focus on these three parenting styles in this article.

Growing up, I saw great variations and some similarities in the way I was raised by my parents and how other families around us raised their kids. Several times my siblings and I wondered why we had limited freedom compared to other friends. Why does daddy have to be very strict? He was so strict that the neighbors know him as the no-nonsense man. Like many African parents, negotiation was almost impossible, punishment was common. I guess I picked some part of my parenting style from him. Though I rarely punish, I demand obedience without negotiations. When I realize the liabilities of this style, I began to adjust.

On the positive side, authoritarian parents have high expectations and are good at motivating the children to learn organizational skills, leadership skills, assertiveness, respect for law and order.

With these high demands come the tendency to tell the children what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. The children are expected to follow strict rules and harsh discipline. Non-compliance often attracts punishment. This is the “because I said so” parents. No explanations or reasons behind the rules are provided. These parents are control-seeking and obedience-oriented. Unfortunately, this dictatorial and domineering style of parenting often invites unhealthy pleasing, rebellion, aggression, and resistance from children, especially as they grow older. Some children will always rebel and test boundaries until they are punished. Others tend to become approval junkies and pleasers looking for love and affection in the wrong places. This affects children’s self-esteem in the long run.

Permissive parents provide a lot of leeways. “Permissive parents have a hard time setting limits with their children,” says Laura Markham, Ph.D., author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. They do not enforce rules and are quick to give in to their children’s demands to make them happy. They are loving and responsive to their children’s needs. These parents perceive themselves as friends and not a figure of authority to their kids. Children often take advantage of their parents’ leniency. They often throw tantrums or whine to get their demands – pushing their buttons. I remember using this emotional tyranny to get my mum’s attention. She is on the permissive side. The problem with this permissive parenting style is the tendency to raise children who are spoilt brats.

According to research, children of permissive parents often rank low in happiness and self-regulation and tend to perform poorly in school. They lack self-discipline and internal motivation as adults. A woman in her 60s once told me, “if I had a chance to parent again, I will push my children harder and challenge them more”. The truth is, we don’t want to look back and wish we had parented differently. It is wise to make an informed decision now

This is a more democratic style of parenting. This approach does not include excessive control or permissiveness. Just like the authoritarian style, authoritative parents establish rules and set high expectations for their children but invites cooperation from them. This style employs a positive discipline method that is deeply respectful and not humiliating to children. It invites children to focus on the internal locus of control by being responsible for their own behaviors. Children are invited to be part of the decision making and this, in turn, develops their capability and problem-solving skills.

Authoritative parents provide explanations and reasons for the rules. Children who are raised with authoritative style don’t follow the rules because they fear punishment, but because their motivation comes from an internal locus of control.

Authoritative parents are firm and kind at the same time. They make connections with children and use non-punitive positive discipline strategies that help children develop valuable life skills such as self-discipline, responsibility, problem-solving, leadership skill, self-regulation, and other skills that serve them throughout their lives.

The problem is many people don’t know the tools and strategies to use to develop these skills. There are numerous positive discipline tools for turning common parenting challenges into valuable life skills.

Join one of our workshops to learn how to be an authoritative parent using numerous positive discipline tools. Watch out for our workshops. I like to hear your comments, contributions, and question.